The First Cut Is the Deepest
by HJT
Summary: Obidala Oneshot. Padme lived! And she's spending her time helping the rebellion and watching over her son with a certain Jedi.


Authors Note: This is a Padme and Obi-Wan fic I wrote for a fanfic challenge at Fanfiction Galore so it's my first try at Star Wars and Obidala so I'd really appreciate reviews and constructive critisism.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything having to do with Star Wars or these characters.

I would have given you all of my heart  
But there's someone who's torn it apart  
And he's taken just all that I have  
But if you want I'll try to love again  
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know  
The first cut is the deepest  
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest  
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed  
When it comes to loving me he's worst  
I still want you by my side  
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried  
And I'm sure going to give you a try  
And if you want I'll try to love again (try)  
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know  
The first cut is the deepest  
Baby I know the first cut is the deepest  
But when it comes to being lucky he's cursed  
When it comes to loving me he's worst  
I still want you by my side  
Just to help me dry the tears that I've cried  
But I'm sure gonna give you a try  
'Cause if you want I'll try to love again (try to love again)  
Baby, I'll try to love again but I know  
The first cut is the deepest  
Baby I know, the first cut is the deepest  
When it comes to being lucky he's cursed  
When it comes to loving me he's worst  
The first cut is the deepest baby i know  
The first cut is the deepest try to love again...

Padme stood alongside Obi-Wan in the blazing Tatooine heat watching the ten year old Luke at play. The child's fair hair flowed slightly behind him as he enjoyed his few moments of freedom from the moisture farm and his chores.

Watching the angelic child was like seeing the ghost of Anikan just as he was when they first met him on that very planet.

"He looks so much like his father," Padme observed, tears in her eyes. "If only…

The words "If only _he_ could see him," lingered in the air between them unsaid but not unheard.

Padme stroked the japor pendent, hanging around her neck. These days it never left that spot. When she first started her new life on Tatooine with Obi-Wan she couldn't even bare the sight of that once treasured gift from her husband. But now, with her son growing into the spitting image of his father, it seemed even more precious to her then it ever was before.

Obi-wan saw her caressing the pendent and sighed. He didn't know when the focus of his concentration stopped being Luke and started being his mother. All he knew was that it had been long before he realized how easy it was to fall in love with her.

Once he realized that she was preoccupying so much of his thoughts he should have closed his mind to them but by then it was too late, she was part of him. But it seemed like that was the way it had always been. It wasn't as if he'd had some kind of epiphany. He respected and admired her for the same things he always had

Padme had to feel the difference in his feelings for her. He was doing a terrible job, in his opinion, of trying to correct it. Maybe that was the reason she'd begun to wear that necklace again. It could be her way of telling him that her heart and soul would always be Anikan's even if he was as good as dead to them.

Seeing her, one of the strongest women he knew, hang on so desperately to a man who was lost to her hurt him almost as much as it did her, but he was glad the pain of losing him hadn't broken her as it had threatened to do. Her own natural resilience had pulled her through and made her survive for her children and the rebellion. There was no breaking Padme. No matter how much weight was thrust upon her, she just made herself stronger to carry it.

Beru called for Luke and he ran to his aunt waving goodbye to his playmates.

"We should go back," Obi-Wan spoke for the first time.

She turned to look at him but he couldn't hold her gaze. Instead he turned and started off. But she wasn't following.

"You're finally angry with me." She wasn't asking. She just said this in a calm, resigned way.

"Angry with you?"

"I always wondered when you'd start blaming me."

"For what?"

"Everything," she said, simply. "You don't have to pretend or spare my feelings. I knew from the beginning what I was doing was wrong but I did it anyway and look us. Look at the galaxy, the empire. If it hadn't been for me and my selfishness none of this would have happened."

"No Padme. Sidious would have found a way with or without your relationship with Anikan. He wouldn't have stopped until he got what he wanted."

She just smiled and said, "We'd best be getting back." And started walking in the direction of their home but Obi-Wan stopped her.

"I assure you, Jedi's don't lie."

Her smile turned broader and sadder. "Sometimes Jedi's do things they're not supposed to."

Thinking of his own forbidden feelings for her he replied, "You're right. Sometimes we do but I'm telling you right now I am not angry with you. In fact, I'm very far from it."

"Then why are you acting like this with me?"

"I don't understand."

"Why are you acting so cold and reserved? You barley even look at me anymore."

She had him there. Maybe he'd been doing a better job then he thought of fighting those feelings, but he couldn't tell her that. Not when she was clearly still attached to Anikan. Not when he was still a Jedi.

His silence told her she'd been right.

"I've relied on you too long. I should move on."

His mind was telling him two things at once. Maybe it would be better for them both if they went their separate ways, but if they did could he bare it? He found that he couldn't.

"No. I am telling you this has nothing to do with blaming you for anything."

"And you won't tell me what it _is_ about."

"I can't," he said simply and for a moment and only a moment his shield fell and all of his torture and anguish showed all too clearly on his face. Turning from her quickly he put himself to rights but it was too late. She'd seen it all.

Taking a step back Padme clutched her japor pendent. "I think I will go to Alderaan. I haven't seen Leia in so long."

"I'm sorry."

"So am I." She laughed bitterly.

For a few moments they stood in silence, both of them facing different directions. Padme looked longingly at the place her son had been playing a few moments before while Obi-Wan was looking with the same feelings in the direction of their home.

After a few moments Padme practically burst out the words, "I love Ankian." She was now squeezing her necklace so hard it might break.

"I know. So do I."

"You have been there for me in my darkest hours. After Anikan betrayed us, when I had the twins and almost died, while I wallowed in self-pity you were there through it all. You brought me through it all. I've grown to depend on you."

"But not to love me, I understand."

"But I do. After all you've been to me how could I not?"

Another, longer moment of silence followed this. Obi-Wan wasn't sure what to feel. Was it really as good a thing as he felt it was that they both mutually cared for each other?

This time it was him who broke the silence.

"Don't go."

"I can't make the same mistakes all over again."

"We won't. We both know our duties to the twins and to the Rebellion and we won't let ourselves get in the way. But we can live on like we have been for these past ten years. You said it yourself. Our "connection" isn't the all consuming passion yours and Anikan's was."

Still holding the japor pendent she repeated what she'd said earlier, "I love Anikan."

"And we always will."

"Yes," Padme said slipping her hand in his, "we always will."


End file.
